My life is very far from perfect but I'm trying everyday to count my blessings.
I've just been reflecting on the last two years- since I had my 'breakdown'. I've come a really long way and I'm trying to remind myself of this when I feel useless or unable to do something.
The last two months have seen me travelling, on my own, on a National Express coach, swapping at Victoria coach station in London, between Peterborough and Sussex. That's a long way, two and a half hours on each coach and a two hour wait in London. And... for the most part I have been absolutely fine! I get a fair bit of anticipatory anxiety, but nothing off the scale. Once on the coach I try get my head down and sleep. Travelling on my own was one of my biggest triggers for overwhelming anxiety and paralysing fear, so this is a big positive step and I'm really pleased. I feel almost 'normal'.
I pop into town most days, sometimes I feel a bit wobbly but I try persevere and it normally subsides. I've driven up to 40 miles on my own, and over 200 miles with John next to me.
I'm not saying, 'look at me, look how well I'm doing', I'm just trying to keep a record for myself, and to remind myself that I have improved a hundred-fold. I also hope that if anyone reads this it may offer some hope in some way. When I felt at my absolute lowest, all I could find was scare stories and advice not to take medication under any circumstances. Well, I take 20mg of Citalopram daily and I feel it has helped me a lot. It's not a cure all, but it's helped me along, and taken the edge off times of crippling anxiety. My mum is a recovering alcoholic, who took 15 years to realise that Fluoxetine, taken regularly and consistently, could help her not to drink and not to disappear into herself and her problems. Neither of us is 'numb' or unable to feel emotion (we both still cry like children from time to time!)
Sometimes it seems that everyone (the media, well meaning friends, family) tells us that drugs are not the answer and are to be avoided at all costs. I too, once shared this opinion. I'm not saying that people don't have sometimes awful experiences with medication, but isn't it worth giving it a try and seeing of it will help you? If it doesn't, you come off it, but it may really help. The other thing that is rather hard, due to the nature of the problem it's treating, is that some SSRI's cause terrible side effects for the first few weeks. If you're an anxiety sufferer the last thing you want as a side effect is increased anxiety and unwanted thoughts! In my experience (MY experience only) if you can in some way get through the first few weeks of side effects, it is so worth the outcome after 4 or 6 months.
Sorry, I'm ranting. I just wish I could help people who are suffering in their own prisons of anxiety.
I wish whoever may read this love and hope and a very Merry Christmas. Here's to a new year and a not giving up hope.
xxxxxxx
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Introspecting
Feel really blue.
I'm so lonely in the day. Our flat is freezing. I have no money. I feel helpless. My life is passing me by in a blur of inactivity. Years are being wasted hiding away and being too scared to do anything out of my comfort zone. What a waste of a life.
Things should hopefully improve next year. I have to wait for my Debt Relief Order to be discharged before I can earn any proper money, until then I'm a little bit trapped. There are so few jobs around, and because my criteria are specific, it arrows it even more. I can't claim any benefits because I live with my boyfriend and we're classed as "married" in the eyes of the DWP. We don't have enough money to feed ourselves. I may have to move back with my mum and dad for a few months so that I can at least claim Job Seekers Allowance and have something. Trouble is, they live 200 miles away from here, and I'm sure my dad would hate the idea... I'm like a bad penny that keeps coming back! My mum would love it.
I'm so lonely in the day. Our flat is freezing. I have no money. I feel helpless. My life is passing me by in a blur of inactivity. Years are being wasted hiding away and being too scared to do anything out of my comfort zone. What a waste of a life.
Things should hopefully improve next year. I have to wait for my Debt Relief Order to be discharged before I can earn any proper money, until then I'm a little bit trapped. There are so few jobs around, and because my criteria are specific, it arrows it even more. I can't claim any benefits because I live with my boyfriend and we're classed as "married" in the eyes of the DWP. We don't have enough money to feed ourselves. I may have to move back with my mum and dad for a few months so that I can at least claim Job Seekers Allowance and have something. Trouble is, they live 200 miles away from here, and I'm sure my dad would hate the idea... I'm like a bad penny that keeps coming back! My mum would love it.
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Bobbing along
Another interview today. I was considering cancelling it but I didn't. Pat on the back. It was an'informal chat' so there was less pressure, which was helpful. The guy was really nice- a bit like Mike Reid!! Fingers crossed as I think the job would be a good match for me. It's a reception role, but the place is reasonably quiet, and the customers are mainly elderly and hard of hearing!
I'm still eating too much. I'd love to lose weight, but I find it very difficult to control myself. Food is my crutch, in fact the first thing I did to 'congratulate' myself on going to the interview was to buy a pastry on the way home! I wish I could see it just as fuel and not a reward/ consulation/ friend/ comfort!
Just sat here watching Heir Hunters- daydreaming that I have a rich distant relative who has popped their clogs and I am the sole beneficiary to their millions!! It could happen! Until then, let's hope I get a job soon (and one that doesn't send me loopy!)
x
I'm still eating too much. I'd love to lose weight, but I find it very difficult to control myself. Food is my crutch, in fact the first thing I did to 'congratulate' myself on going to the interview was to buy a pastry on the way home! I wish I could see it just as fuel and not a reward/ consulation/ friend/ comfort!
Just sat here watching Heir Hunters- daydreaming that I have a rich distant relative who has popped their clogs and I am the sole beneficiary to their millions!! It could happen! Until then, let's hope I get a job soon (and one that doesn't send me loopy!)
x
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Another Interview
Tomorrow at 1pm. It should be fine. It sounds quite casual and I've spoken to the guy on the phone and he sounded nice. So why do I feel awful? It could be just what I need. The hours are great, it sounds easy, friendly. But I feel sick and scared. I MUST do this and I will do this.
Had another victory of sorts. A friend who I haven't seen in years (since we were teenagers)came over to see me on Friday evening. We had a lovely time. I was very nervous beforehand. All the usual negative thoughts, but after 20 minutes or so I was well away and Jenny the chatterbox returned. I think I'm just out of practice- it's a skill that needs to be continually used and if you don't you become rusty, like anything else really I suppose. But it doesn't go away completely. If you were once easily able to chat away and meet new people, you haven't changed or lost the know how, you're simply out of practice. The only way to improve is to build up that sociable muscle again (that metaphor sounds all wrong, but you get my drift!!) It's in you, but again, you need time , patience, practice and determination to bring it out again. That's my feeling anyway.
Hmmm, I keep forgetting about the interview then it hits me in one big anxious wave.
Had another victory of sorts. A friend who I haven't seen in years (since we were teenagers)came over to see me on Friday evening. We had a lovely time. I was very nervous beforehand. All the usual negative thoughts, but after 20 minutes or so I was well away and Jenny the chatterbox returned. I think I'm just out of practice- it's a skill that needs to be continually used and if you don't you become rusty, like anything else really I suppose. But it doesn't go away completely. If you were once easily able to chat away and meet new people, you haven't changed or lost the know how, you're simply out of practice. The only way to improve is to build up that sociable muscle again (that metaphor sounds all wrong, but you get my drift!!) It's in you, but again, you need time , patience, practice and determination to bring it out again. That's my feeling anyway.
Hmmm, I keep forgetting about the interview then it hits me in one big anxious wave.
Friday, 16 July 2010
Quick hello...
...to let you know I am ok.
My mum is also ok, we think. She doesn't seem to have fallen into the depths. Fingers crossed it was just a slight blip. You never really know with alcoholics.
Still no job for me. I have to confess, I chickened out of one interview this week, and lied to John about it, saying that the man cancelled on me. Sad face. I just couldn't do it. I got all worked up and imagined the worse and completely talked myself out of it. The self-loathing after was rather immense, especially as I lied to John and we are desperatwely skint. I'm a stupid cow.
Palpitations have been non-existant so far this month, which I'm relieved about. TOM is approaching though, so we'll see if they return just as before again.
My mum is also ok, we think. She doesn't seem to have fallen into the depths. Fingers crossed it was just a slight blip. You never really know with alcoholics.
Still no job for me. I have to confess, I chickened out of one interview this week, and lied to John about it, saying that the man cancelled on me. Sad face. I just couldn't do it. I got all worked up and imagined the worse and completely talked myself out of it. The self-loathing after was rather immense, especially as I lied to John and we are desperatwely skint. I'm a stupid cow.
Palpitations have been non-existant so far this month, which I'm relieved about. TOM is approaching though, so we'll see if they return just as before again.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Sadness
My Mum has fallen off the wagon. Not in huge way, but I'm scared. I'm scared she won't be able to pull herself back; that this will mark a new episode in a new series of the descent into the throws of alcoholism at it's most devastating.
More tomorrow when my eyes are not so sore.
More tomorrow when my eyes are not so sore.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Proud
I went to the bloody interview!
I felt sick and nervous and my knees were shaking, but I did it. It was fine. She was a bit weird, get me- SHE was a bit weird- hahaha! She was very laid back, almost too chilled if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. She would want me to be self-employed which I'm not very pleased with. It's a way for her to save money on tax, NI and not having to pay me sick pay, holiday pay, etc. HMRC wouldn't be very pleased if they found out that she was my only employer either as I should be on PAYE not self-employed. Anyway, I haven't definitely got it, but I'm not even sure I want it.
What it has done is pushed my confidence on a wee bit again. Today it was bearable anxiety-wise, a year ago there is no way on earth I would have been able to drive all that way AND go to an interview. By next year, who knows what I might be capable of. It's very 'slowly does it' but building on each little victory, no matter how small. Last May I drove just 1/2 mile down the road on my own and it was a huge achievement, I felt enormously proud that I'd done it without freaking out. This year I can drive a good 30 miles on my own. My world is opening up again. I hope.
I felt sick and nervous and my knees were shaking, but I did it. It was fine. She was a bit weird, get me- SHE was a bit weird- hahaha! She was very laid back, almost too chilled if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. She would want me to be self-employed which I'm not very pleased with. It's a way for her to save money on tax, NI and not having to pay me sick pay, holiday pay, etc. HMRC wouldn't be very pleased if they found out that she was my only employer either as I should be on PAYE not self-employed. Anyway, I haven't definitely got it, but I'm not even sure I want it.
What it has done is pushed my confidence on a wee bit again. Today it was bearable anxiety-wise, a year ago there is no way on earth I would have been able to drive all that way AND go to an interview. By next year, who knows what I might be capable of. It's very 'slowly does it' but building on each little victory, no matter how small. Last May I drove just 1/2 mile down the road on my own and it was a huge achievement, I felt enormously proud that I'd done it without freaking out. This year I can drive a good 30 miles on my own. My world is opening up again. I hope.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Interview...
Shit. I am going to an interview tomorrow. I don't know if I can do this. What if I have a panic attack?! What if she thinks I'm completely nuts?! What if I start crying?!
I have to drive 18 miles there and back too. Oh god.
I have to drive 18 miles there and back too. Oh god.
Monday, 21 June 2010
Mission Accomplished
Went to the recruitment agency. What a shambles. They were completely unorganised and it was the most unprofessional looking place. Never mind. I went, I held my nerve and I should be proud- so why do I just keep worrying about the next scary thing?
I have had an email from a job which sounds perfect for me. It's working pretty much on my own for a lady who has her own Jewellery business, concessions and shops. She is on the road most of the time and I would be the admin person dealing with all the boring bits back at the office. Suits me down to a T. I can't face a busy open plan style office with meetings and knob-heads!! Fingers crossed on that one.
The palpitations are terrible today. It's the first day of TOTM and I am convinced it's related to hormones. I've read that Magnesium really helps with this, so I'm going to get some tomorrow and find out. I really hope it does, because although they are nothing to worry about they are annoying, take my breath away and unnerve me.
I have had an email from a job which sounds perfect for me. It's working pretty much on my own for a lady who has her own Jewellery business, concessions and shops. She is on the road most of the time and I would be the admin person dealing with all the boring bits back at the office. Suits me down to a T. I can't face a busy open plan style office with meetings and knob-heads!! Fingers crossed on that one.
The palpitations are terrible today. It's the first day of TOTM and I am convinced it's related to hormones. I've read that Magnesium really helps with this, so I'm going to get some tomorrow and find out. I really hope it does, because although they are nothing to worry about they are annoying, take my breath away and unnerve me.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Eek!
I've got an appointment at a recruitment agency on Monday. Small steps. I'm very nervous but it has to be done. Whether anything will come of it or not who knows. At least it's a step in the right direction and will hopefully help build my confidence a bit.
Went into town today for a little look around, was out for about 40 minutes, no anxiety.
Spent the rest of the afternoon mostly crying after going on a binge. I have been losing weight slowly for the last year and a half. Binges are few and far between but today I practically ran to the corner shop and got a packet of crisps, 2 chocolate bars and a sandwich. Ho hum. I was trying to self-medicate through the medium of crappy food! Some people choose drink, some drugs, me? Yorkie bars! I felt so shit after. How can I be so controlled sometimes and then completely bugger it up? Completely self-destructive behaviour as I HATE being overweight. It contributes hugely to my rock bottom self-esteem.
Suffered a few palpitations today, first time since this time last month. Maybe it is connected in some way to PMS? Will keep track.
That's all for now. More random ramblings to follow.
xx
Went into town today for a little look around, was out for about 40 minutes, no anxiety.
Spent the rest of the afternoon mostly crying after going on a binge. I have been losing weight slowly for the last year and a half. Binges are few and far between but today I practically ran to the corner shop and got a packet of crisps, 2 chocolate bars and a sandwich. Ho hum. I was trying to self-medicate through the medium of crappy food! Some people choose drink, some drugs, me? Yorkie bars! I felt so shit after. How can I be so controlled sometimes and then completely bugger it up? Completely self-destructive behaviour as I HATE being overweight. It contributes hugely to my rock bottom self-esteem.
Suffered a few palpitations today, first time since this time last month. Maybe it is connected in some way to PMS? Will keep track.
That's all for now. More random ramblings to follow.
xx
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Just a really quick update.
I'm now not going on the holiday again! (it's been so ridiculously on/off). As I mentioned, an old friend said she'd lend me the money but after sobbering up and thinking about it properly I decided against it. I have no way of paying it back. I don't know when I'm going to land a job and I just can't justify it at the moment. So that's that.
Anxiety-wise things have been in check. I went into town yesterday and was ok. I felt odd at first but stuck with it, tried to relax. A big help to me is physically telling myself to slow down (not out loud, I'm not nuts... actually that's not completely true) ie- I realised I was walking really fast and was really uptight- shoulders up, tensed muscles. I relaxed and made myself stroll instead. I think it worked.
I had to queue at the bastard bank for 20 minutes. It was trying. Luckily I managed to stay calm.
I'm now not going on the holiday again! (it's been so ridiculously on/off). As I mentioned, an old friend said she'd lend me the money but after sobbering up and thinking about it properly I decided against it. I have no way of paying it back. I don't know when I'm going to land a job and I just can't justify it at the moment. So that's that.
Anxiety-wise things have been in check. I went into town yesterday and was ok. I felt odd at first but stuck with it, tried to relax. A big help to me is physically telling myself to slow down (not out loud, I'm not nuts... actually that's not completely true) ie- I realised I was walking really fast and was really uptight- shoulders up, tensed muscles. I relaxed and made myself stroll instead. I think it worked.
I had to queue at the bastard bank for 20 minutes. It was trying. Luckily I managed to stay calm.
Monday, 24 May 2010
I did it
I drove over my friends house on Friday night. I was a little nervous but I knew I had to do it. It was fine. We had a really fun evening with lots of wine and old photos.
Driving home with a hangover was not fun at all. It was boiling hot and I felt wobbly! It seamed to take forever and I kept telling myself to stay calm. I got home and I'm proud of myself.
I've agreed to go to Italy in 4 weeks. Fuck. They really want me to go and I'd had a few and agreed to borrow the money off of Clare. Part of me wants to go, the other part tells me what if I am anxious, or want to come home, or have a panic attack, or look like a beached whale etc etc...
Driving home with a hangover was not fun at all. It was boiling hot and I felt wobbly! It seamed to take forever and I kept telling myself to stay calm. I got home and I'm proud of myself.
I've agreed to go to Italy in 4 weeks. Fuck. They really want me to go and I'd had a few and agreed to borrow the money off of Clare. Part of me wants to go, the other part tells me what if I am anxious, or want to come home, or have a panic attack, or look like a beached whale etc etc...
Friday, 21 May 2010
Better today
Feeling much better today.
I think the TOTM may have made an appearance so hopefully all that angst and anxiety will be on it's way out now.
I AM going to drive over to my friends house this evening. I will not let anxiety stop me.
Will let you know how I got on.
I think the TOTM may have made an appearance so hopefully all that angst and anxiety will be on it's way out now.
I AM going to drive over to my friends house this evening. I will not let anxiety stop me.
Will let you know how I got on.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Ramblings...
It's been a while!
I'm feeling a little odd today. I am most definitely anxious. I guess on the scale of 1-10, I am at level 4!
I have been cooped up in these four walls all week, and have only been out 3 times, for me this is not good at all. I have nowhere to go, and no money. I'm lonely and I'm fretful. I have terrible PMT, so maybe this is the main reason I feel out of sorts?
I have to join a temp agency asap and I cannot currently muster the strength to arrange the appointment, go in and talk to them, and then actuallly go to the job! I feel very stressed about the whole thing.
I have been getting nasty palpitations for the last 6 months (whether anxious or not) and my sensible side knows that they are nothing to worry about, but my nutty side keeps planting thoughts of heart trouble.
Today really is an off day. I'm doing that deep sighing thing all the time- where you feel like you can't get enough breath into your lungs.
I think I need to get out for a while. Maybe I'll brave a walk to the seafront (oh yeah, I moved AGAIN!)
I'm supposed to be driving round to my friends house tomorrow evening, it's about 25 miles away. She's just had the love of her life walk out on her and she needs me. I must summon the confidence to drive over there.
I'm feeling a little odd today. I am most definitely anxious. I guess on the scale of 1-10, I am at level 4!
I have been cooped up in these four walls all week, and have only been out 3 times, for me this is not good at all. I have nowhere to go, and no money. I'm lonely and I'm fretful. I have terrible PMT, so maybe this is the main reason I feel out of sorts?
I have to join a temp agency asap and I cannot currently muster the strength to arrange the appointment, go in and talk to them, and then actuallly go to the job! I feel very stressed about the whole thing.
I have been getting nasty palpitations for the last 6 months (whether anxious or not) and my sensible side knows that they are nothing to worry about, but my nutty side keeps planting thoughts of heart trouble.
Today really is an off day. I'm doing that deep sighing thing all the time- where you feel like you can't get enough breath into your lungs.
I think I need to get out for a while. Maybe I'll brave a walk to the seafront (oh yeah, I moved AGAIN!)
I'm supposed to be driving round to my friends house tomorrow evening, it's about 25 miles away. She's just had the love of her life walk out on her and she needs me. I must summon the confidence to drive over there.
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