Proud

I went to the bloody interview!

I felt sick and nervous and my knees were shaking, but I did it. It was fine. She was a bit weird, get me- SHE was a bit weird- hahaha! She was very laid back, almost too chilled if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. She would want me to be self-employed which I'm not very pleased with. It's a way for her to save money on tax, NI and not having to pay me sick pay, holiday pay, etc. HMRC wouldn't be very pleased if they found out that she was my only employer either as I should be on PAYE not self-employed. Anyway, I haven't definitely got it, but I'm not even sure I want it.

What it has done is pushed my confidence on a wee bit again. Today it was bearable anxiety-wise, a year ago there is no way on earth I would have been able to drive all that way AND go to an interview. By next year, who knows what I might be capable of. It's very 'slowly does it' but building on each little victory, no matter how small. Last May I drove just 1/2 mile down the road on my own and it was a huge achievement, I felt enormously proud that I'd done it without freaking out. This year I can drive a good 30 miles on my own. My world is opening up again. I hope.

Interview...

Shit. I am going to an interview tomorrow. I don't know if I can do this. What if I have a panic attack?! What if she thinks I'm completely nuts?! What if I start crying?!

I have to drive 18 miles there and back too. Oh god.

Mission Accomplished

Went to the recruitment agency. What a shambles. They were completely unorganised and it was the most unprofessional looking place. Never mind. I went, I held my nerve and I should be proud- so why do I just keep worrying about the next scary thing?

I have had an email from a job which sounds perfect for me. It's working pretty much on my own for a lady who has her own Jewellery business, concessions and shops. She is on the road most of the time and I would be the admin person dealing with all the boring bits back at the office. Suits me down to a T. I can't face a busy open plan style office with meetings and knob-heads!! Fingers crossed on that one.

The palpitations are terrible today. It's the first day of TOTM and I am convinced it's related to hormones. I've read that Magnesium really helps with this, so I'm going to get some tomorrow and find out. I really hope it does, because although they are nothing to worry about they are annoying, take my breath away and unnerve me.

Eek!

I've got an appointment at a recruitment agency on Monday. Small steps. I'm very nervous but it has to be done. Whether anything will come of it or not who knows. At least it's a step in the right direction and will hopefully help build my confidence a bit.

Went into town today for a little look around, was out for about 40 minutes, no anxiety.

Spent the rest of the afternoon mostly crying after going on a binge. I have been losing weight slowly for the last year and a half. Binges are few and far between but today I practically ran to the corner shop and got a packet of crisps, 2 chocolate bars and a sandwich. Ho hum. I was trying to self-medicate through the medium of crappy food! Some people choose drink, some drugs, me? Yorkie bars! I felt so shit after. How can I be so controlled sometimes and then completely bugger it up? Completely self-destructive behaviour as I HATE being overweight. It contributes hugely to my rock bottom self-esteem.

Suffered a few palpitations today, first time since this time last month. Maybe it is connected in some way to PMS? Will keep track.

That's all for now. More random ramblings to follow.

xx

Just a really quick update.

I'm now not going on the holiday again! (it's been so ridiculously on/off). As I mentioned, an old friend said she'd lend me the money but after sobbering up and thinking about it properly I decided against it. I have no way of paying it back. I don't know when I'm going to land a job and I just can't justify it at the moment. So that's that.

Anxiety-wise things have been in check. I went into town yesterday and was ok. I felt odd at first but stuck with it, tried to relax. A big help to me is physically telling myself to slow down (not out loud, I'm not nuts... actually that's not completely true) ie- I realised I was walking really fast and was really uptight- shoulders up, tensed muscles. I relaxed and made myself stroll instead. I think it worked.

I had to queue at the bastard bank for 20 minutes. It was trying. Luckily I managed to stay calm.