It's been 29 months since I last took Citalopram. I haven't coped that well. I have tried my very best though. I've had days when I thought I was going to go mad with anxiety.
I don't know where I'm going with this post, but just felt the need to sit down and write.
I spoke to my mum on the phone a little while ago and it has left me feeling inconsolable. You could say my reaction is completely over the top, but I think if you'd lived a day in my shoes you would understand.
She managed to get sober in 2009. There were a few minor relapses, but on the whole she was (is?) a recovered alcoholic. Since I moved up to live near them 3 years ago she's been my best friend. She's been my only friend. She's listened to my soul searching, been patient when I've disappeared into my own thoughts- I must've been a right bore at times. Having anxiety was all I could think about some days. It's not all been doom and gloom though, I've had days when I've felt pretty good and not so worried, I've worked hard to be gentle with myself and carry on even when I've felt awful. We've laughed, we've gone shopping together, gossiped, bitched, everything you do with a best friend. And now she's had a drink.
I could tell as the conversation went on she had. Others would not be able to. Children of alcoholics have super-human sensors when it comes to detecting whether someone has had a drink! She was not slurring, but the conversation was erratic and jumped about and not very coherent. Even her tone was different. It's hard to explain. I just know. I told her I knew she'd had a drink and that it worried me greatly. She, predictably, denied it. I explained to her I know how this ends, and it is not well. You lose everything. Your family, your freedom, your dignity (I didn't say that bit to her!) I was gentle and suggested she book a doctors appointment to get some help. To be fair she did book an appointment after our call.
My reaction when I put down the phone overwhelmed me, and it surprised me.
Tears started and would not stop. As I am writing this they're bursting to escape again.
It is still so raw. I think I am well over the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic parent, and then this small incident happens and it completely engulfs me. It makes me feel helpless, alone and just very sad.
I moved up here to be near them. If I don't have her, then what is the point of being up here? I have no other friends. I've spent my whole adult life worrying about my parents. Trying my best to control the situation, trying to help. I've created a weird, unnatural co-dependency.
I'm berating myself for not just living my own life. My whole adult life has been about waiting for some sort of absolution or redemption from the abject pain I felt as a teenager and young woman. Trying to right wrongs, change my history. Feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I just be normal, get on with it? This last paragraph sounds so melodramatic, and a bit egocentric. Once again, as is a common theme with me, I feel so lost and so alone.
I've made the mistake, yet again, that if I try hard enough I can control things around me. I can stop bad things from happening, I can keep those I love safe and well and happy. I take on this role for myself. Fixing other's problems, even when they have not asked me to. Is it any wonder I suffer with anxiety. I need to let go. Let other people look after themselves. I wonder if my mother has had an impact on me in other ways, not just because of her alcoholism. I wonder if she's always looked to me for help, or if I've given myself that role.
My thoughts are shooting all over the place. A recurring one is thinking of friend's parents, and their relationship with them. Their very normal parent-child relationships. Most do not have to worry about them, they know that their parents are there for them, as the child, and feel content and secure. They can go out into the world knowing that their mum and dad will always be there in the background, getting on with their own lives. I wish with all my heart that was the case with me. But deep down it's not. I'd love to emigrate but I could never leave my parents, worrying about what might happen to them. I have a feeling the same consideration would not be afforded to me by my dad. But maybe he is right. I'm an adult for goodness sake. Why am I perpetually stuck being 15 years old! Why do I care so much! This is a bit of a mind-dump and will probably make me cringe tomorrow when I read it back.
Friday, 22 January 2016
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
I realise I didn't update after the 'Flying into the unknown' blog.
Well, I went. I went and I had a good time. I arrived at the airport shaking from adrenaline (and it was chilly which didn't help).
The bloody queue through security was the longest I'd ever seen at an airport. Typical! But I handled it. I just let it wash over me and thought it's normal to be anxious.
When the aeroplane took off I felt frightened. But I just put my head down and got on with it. Resigned to it really. I was moderately anxious the whole flight.
The afternoon after we landed was a piece of cake in comparison! In fact, I was taken a back slightly just how well I felt. I'd had no sleep and was socialising with my extended family. The next day I had a fair bit of nerves (anyone would think it was my wedding!). I was nervous about the Church, thinking 'what if I'm in the middle of a pew and can't get out' etc, or 'what if I'm sick'. I got through that too. At dinner we were seated on a predominantly Polish speaking table. It was awkward and uncomfortable but I got through that too. By the end of the night I was dancing and having fun!
The flight home was anxiety fuelled. I'd had a drink the night before too, which probably made it worse.
Well, I went. I went and I had a good time. I arrived at the airport shaking from adrenaline (and it was chilly which didn't help).
The bloody queue through security was the longest I'd ever seen at an airport. Typical! But I handled it. I just let it wash over me and thought it's normal to be anxious.
When the aeroplane took off I felt frightened. But I just put my head down and got on with it. Resigned to it really. I was moderately anxious the whole flight.
The afternoon after we landed was a piece of cake in comparison! In fact, I was taken a back slightly just how well I felt. I'd had no sleep and was socialising with my extended family. The next day I had a fair bit of nerves (anyone would think it was my wedding!). I was nervous about the Church, thinking 'what if I'm in the middle of a pew and can't get out' etc, or 'what if I'm sick'. I got through that too. At dinner we were seated on a predominantly Polish speaking table. It was awkward and uncomfortable but I got through that too. By the end of the night I was dancing and having fun!
The flight home was anxiety fuelled. I'd had a drink the night before too, which probably made it worse.
CBT
I pretty sure no one reads this blog of mine, but if you've stumbled across it, it's about to get a whole lot more boring! I thought a warning, so you can bounce off now. only fair!
I'm seeing a CBT therapist who said writing things down helps hammer home the message better, so I'm going to start documenting whatever comes into my mind.
Today is Wednesday. I'm not feeling very well, both physically and mentally. The mental bit being caused, in part, by feeling under the weather. I feel like I've been fighting a virus since the weekend. My chest hurts slightly, I feel absolutely zonked and a little dizzy.
I have to go the the post office every day. I'm lucky that the post office I go to is a tiny little village one and most of the time there is no one in there. I know the lady quite well, she is very sweet.
Today I'm really struggling with the anxiety. So much so that I very, very nearly didn't go. My mum is due home (from a trip away) this afternoon. There's a chance she could have made it round to me before the post office closes, and taken my parcels for me. I got my bag together and thought 'just bloody do it'. I then opened the front door and shut it again. I then made it out to the drive, where I stood next to my car for 20 seconds or so, debating whether to go back in the house. I got in the damn car. I started it up and reversed. I drove down the lane (the post office is literally 1.5 miles from my house!). At every turning point I thought about turning round and going back. I didn't. I tried to tell myself that if I had a panic attack, I had a panic attack. The woman at the post office is kind, and I'm sure she would have been nice if that did happen. I got the PO and felt a surge of adrenaline. I somehow went in anyway. All the while my internal dialogue telling me not to panic! I asked her how she was. Turns out, I'm not the only one who has worries (;-)). She looked on the verge of tears, poor love. She has a few family problems and is evidently really worried and down. I wanted to come round and give her a big hug. There wasn't a lot I could do or say. Even in my right mind I'd have struggled, but whilst the whole anxiety conversation is going on in my head, it left little room for other thoughts.
I did it, I felt gross, but I went anyway. And this, is the key.
Not only did I achieve this today, in spite of being ill, I learnt that people are so pre-occupied with their own lives, they really have no idea you are a whirl of emotion and anxiety inside. In fact, even if I had acted 'funny' she probably still wouldn't have noticed.
I also realised that most people are kind. If I saw someone really upset and in a panic, I would ask if they were ok. I would be concerned. so why am I so scared of people seeing me like this? Why do I care so much about what people think of me? And why do I think it would be so bad for someone to see me crying/ in a bit of a state? Where did I get the notion that I must be strong and in control of my emotions at all times? Or else what? What does it mean if I am not?
I'm seeing a CBT therapist who said writing things down helps hammer home the message better, so I'm going to start documenting whatever comes into my mind.
Today is Wednesday. I'm not feeling very well, both physically and mentally. The mental bit being caused, in part, by feeling under the weather. I feel like I've been fighting a virus since the weekend. My chest hurts slightly, I feel absolutely zonked and a little dizzy.
I have to go the the post office every day. I'm lucky that the post office I go to is a tiny little village one and most of the time there is no one in there. I know the lady quite well, she is very sweet.
Today I'm really struggling with the anxiety. So much so that I very, very nearly didn't go. My mum is due home (from a trip away) this afternoon. There's a chance she could have made it round to me before the post office closes, and taken my parcels for me. I got my bag together and thought 'just bloody do it'. I then opened the front door and shut it again. I then made it out to the drive, where I stood next to my car for 20 seconds or so, debating whether to go back in the house. I got in the damn car. I started it up and reversed. I drove down the lane (the post office is literally 1.5 miles from my house!). At every turning point I thought about turning round and going back. I didn't. I tried to tell myself that if I had a panic attack, I had a panic attack. The woman at the post office is kind, and I'm sure she would have been nice if that did happen. I got the PO and felt a surge of adrenaline. I somehow went in anyway. All the while my internal dialogue telling me not to panic! I asked her how she was. Turns out, I'm not the only one who has worries (;-)). She looked on the verge of tears, poor love. She has a few family problems and is evidently really worried and down. I wanted to come round and give her a big hug. There wasn't a lot I could do or say. Even in my right mind I'd have struggled, but whilst the whole anxiety conversation is going on in my head, it left little room for other thoughts.
I did it, I felt gross, but I went anyway. And this, is the key.
Not only did I achieve this today, in spite of being ill, I learnt that people are so pre-occupied with their own lives, they really have no idea you are a whirl of emotion and anxiety inside. In fact, even if I had acted 'funny' she probably still wouldn't have noticed.
I also realised that most people are kind. If I saw someone really upset and in a panic, I would ask if they were ok. I would be concerned. so why am I so scared of people seeing me like this? Why do I care so much about what people think of me? And why do I think it would be so bad for someone to see me crying/ in a bit of a state? Where did I get the notion that I must be strong and in control of my emotions at all times? Or else what? What does it mean if I am not?
Thursday, 14 August 2014
Flying into the unknown
Well, the 'wobble' has lasted all summer. I have good days and bad days. I haven't returned to medication yet, although deep down I fear it's the only way I can feel normal. I'm having counselling, it helps.
Tomorrow I have to get on an aeroplane. Fly 2.5 hours to a country I've never been to. Socialise with my extended family and strangers for two days then fly home. It's the stuff of an anxiety sufferer's nightmares!
I'm feeling all kinds of weird today. Tired, dizzy, a little detached. All the while I know it's very simply adrenaline mixed in with a little bit of hyperventilation. In my more self- pitying moments I feel despair. I so desperately want to just go and have a good time! So that's what I'm going to try, anxious or not. Nothing bad will happen. The worse is I could have a panic attack, or several. This is highly unlikely. Although everyday is filled with life altering anxiety, I haven't had what I call a full blown panic attack for over 10 years. That's something I guess.
Today I plan to clean my house and rest.
I've got nothing more to say as I'm finding it difficult to think straight, but I thought it might help to write it down.
Tomorrow I have to get on an aeroplane. Fly 2.5 hours to a country I've never been to. Socialise with my extended family and strangers for two days then fly home. It's the stuff of an anxiety sufferer's nightmares!
I'm feeling all kinds of weird today. Tired, dizzy, a little detached. All the while I know it's very simply adrenaline mixed in with a little bit of hyperventilation. In my more self- pitying moments I feel despair. I so desperately want to just go and have a good time! So that's what I'm going to try, anxious or not. Nothing bad will happen. The worse is I could have a panic attack, or several. This is highly unlikely. Although everyday is filled with life altering anxiety, I haven't had what I call a full blown panic attack for over 10 years. That's something I guess.
Today I plan to clean my house and rest.
I've got nothing more to say as I'm finding it difficult to think straight, but I thought it might help to write it down.
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
Hello!
It's been a long time. I'm having a bit of a wobble. At the back of my mind I keep thinking 'oh no, here we go again, this is where I lose all my marbles!'.
Feel really anxious, obviously. It started with a dizzy spell. I've been feeling a bit light headed and have had a run of minor illnesses since Christmas. It's made me lose a bit of confidence- you know how it goes- standing in Sainsbury's and you feel like you might fall over, so you stop going. That logic makes perfect sense to people like us, doesn't it?!. It's stupid. I need to get over this.
It's really helped to come back here. Reading the below 'Health Anxiety' blog from a few years ago and I'm now in the same boat, having the same ludicrous thoughts.
I moved from Sussex to Norfolk with my partner (soon to be husband if I can make it to the Registry Office!). I have my own small eBay business, scraping together a living. I think not mixing with people, however, doesn't have a very good effect on me. The only person I see, bar my partner, is my mum. It allows me too much time to think about how I'm feeling- to check in with myself every bloody ten minutes to see 'ooh, I have a strange pain in my stomach- is this appendicitis?' or 'am I still feeling dizzy?'.
I need some sort of action plan. I think it should involve getting out and actually mixing with people. Perhaps I should volunteer. We'll see.
If Steph/ Coffee Cup happens to read this, I'd love to hear from you- I think about you often and wonder how you are getting on.
Feel really anxious, obviously. It started with a dizzy spell. I've been feeling a bit light headed and have had a run of minor illnesses since Christmas. It's made me lose a bit of confidence- you know how it goes- standing in Sainsbury's and you feel like you might fall over, so you stop going. That logic makes perfect sense to people like us, doesn't it?!. It's stupid. I need to get over this.
It's really helped to come back here. Reading the below 'Health Anxiety' blog from a few years ago and I'm now in the same boat, having the same ludicrous thoughts.
I moved from Sussex to Norfolk with my partner (soon to be husband if I can make it to the Registry Office!). I have my own small eBay business, scraping together a living. I think not mixing with people, however, doesn't have a very good effect on me. The only person I see, bar my partner, is my mum. It allows me too much time to think about how I'm feeling- to check in with myself every bloody ten minutes to see 'ooh, I have a strange pain in my stomach- is this appendicitis?' or 'am I still feeling dizzy?'.
I need some sort of action plan. I think it should involve getting out and actually mixing with people. Perhaps I should volunteer. We'll see.
If Steph/ Coffee Cup happens to read this, I'd love to hear from you- I think about you often and wonder how you are getting on.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Health Anxiety
How do you know whether you are a full blown hypochondriac or if you are genuinely poorly?
Every time I am ill I convince myself I have some disease or serious illness. Rather than presume I have a short lived bug or virus I Google to see if it's something more sinister. I know I'm not alone in this modern day problem. But I don't know how to turn off the inner voice that tells me I must have Leukemia/ Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma/ Anaemia/ Lupus- delete as appropriate. I'm fully aware it's ludicrous. But it doesn't stop me worrying.
I feel so poorly this week. Not the 'got the flu, it'll pass', poorly, but a general malaise. I feel so, so tired, weak, very mild fever, swollen neck glands. I don' t think 'normal' people get this do they? Why do I seem to feel like this every now and again. Completely washed out. Weird.
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