Health Anxiety

How do you know whether you are a full blown hypochondriac or if you are genuinely poorly?

Every time I am ill I convince myself I have some disease or serious illness. Rather than presume I have a short lived bug or virus I Google to see if it's something more sinister. I know I'm not alone in this modern day problem. But I don't know how to turn off the inner voice that tells me I must have Leukemia/ Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma/ Anaemia/ Lupus- delete as appropriate. I'm fully aware it's ludicrous. But it doesn't stop me worrying.

I feel so poorly this week. Not the 'got the flu, it'll pass', poorly, but a general malaise. I feel so, so tired, weak, very mild fever, swollen neck glands. I don' t think 'normal' people get this do they? Why do I seem to feel like this every now and again. Completely washed out. Weird.

Dare I Say It?

I feel pretty normal!

My new job is the biggest blessing that could have happened to me. After my last job, in 2008, that had a very bad affect on me, this is a million worlds away.

OK, it's not going to set the world on fire but I'm happy. I work with nice people, we laugh most days and I feel very relaxed around them.

I even got a £3000 pay rise after being here only 3 months! I think i'm doing something right! See- being an Anxious Annie does have it's positives- i'm really thorough and hate to make mistakes!

I know inside how I felt 3 years ago. I was falling apart, I thought I was going mad and I was really, really scared. I also know how different I feel today. Things can get better. Trust in it and keep working at it. Don't give up. Don't accept that this is who you are now. It's not.

I got me a job!

Oh yes my loves. I will be working full time from Monday! I am very nervous about it, obviously, but I'm pleased. During the interview (it was more of a casual chat) I had to battle the negative thoughts, but I tried to focus on what we were chatting about and quiet my silly inner critic. For some reason I started thinking I was going to be sick. Ridiculous! Have I ever just suddenly been sick? no! Usually one doesn't just projectile vomit in the middle of a conversation out of the blue! Still, as we know, anxiety is not very rational.

I managed to get through it well, and we were all grinning like idiots by the end of it. I left and my mobile rang and they ask me to pop back and offered me the job! I think it'll be a fun working environment. It's going to be really busy but maybe that's for the best. Occupied minds have no time to wander. They are two blokes who are roughly my age, so we should get on well. I have to keep telling myself that this is NOT going to be like the last job. I will NOT end up like that again. I'm scared.

How am I?

I'm good!

Yesterday I went on the London Underground on my own! I travelled from Norfolk to West Sussex via central London. I was so nervous before I got the train. But I stayed calm, relaxed and was fine. The anticipatory anxiety, in my case, is far worse than actually doing the thing you're terrified off. The tube wasn't a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination but I grinned and bared it. It was only 5 or 6 stops, but loads and loads of people got on at Oxford Circus- eek! Squashed, anxious person in a metal tube= panic rising in the pit of the stomach! I survived.

And today? I went for a really thorough interview. I think I did well. Again, the lesson to myself is, the anticipating is far worse than the reality. In fact, running through my mind when I was sat in the car waiting (of course I was ridiculously early!) was that I could turn around and come home and no-one would be any the wiser (John, family- obviously the company might twig!!). I could say 'yeah, it went well, I'll wait and hear'. But I did it, and I'm bloody pleased with myself. Even if I don't get the job, I feel like every little (or big) thing that I can do, makes me stronger.

Let's hope, if I do get it, or another job, it doesn't end in the same fashion as my previous one two years ago. Let's not even think about that for now!