Good times

My life is very far from perfect but I'm trying everyday to count my blessings.

I've just been reflecting on the last two years- since I had my 'breakdown'. I've come a really long way and I'm trying to remind myself of this when I feel useless or unable to do something.

The last two months have seen me travelling, on my own, on a National Express coach, swapping at Victoria coach station in London, between Peterborough and Sussex. That's a long way, two and a half hours on each coach and a two hour wait in London. And... for the most part I have been absolutely fine! I get a fair bit of anticipatory anxiety, but nothing off the scale. Once on the coach I try get my head down and sleep. Travelling on my own was one of my biggest triggers for overwhelming anxiety and paralysing fear, so this is a big positive step and I'm really pleased. I feel almost 'normal'.

I pop into town most days, sometimes I feel a bit wobbly but I try persevere and it normally subsides. I've driven up to 40 miles on my own, and over 200 miles with John next to me.

I'm not saying, 'look at me, look how well I'm doing', I'm just trying to keep a record for myself, and to remind myself that I have improved a hundred-fold. I also hope that if anyone reads this it may offer some hope in some way. When I felt at my absolute lowest, all I could find was scare stories and advice not to take medication under any circumstances. Well, I take 20mg of Citalopram daily and I feel it has helped me a lot. It's not a cure all, but it's helped me along, and taken the edge off times of crippling anxiety. My mum is a recovering alcoholic, who took 15 years to realise that Fluoxetine, taken regularly and consistently, could help her not to drink and not to disappear into herself and her problems. Neither of us is 'numb' or unable to feel emotion (we both still cry like children from time to time!)

Sometimes it seems that everyone (the media, well meaning friends, family) tells us that drugs are not the answer and are to be avoided at all costs. I too, once shared this opinion. I'm not saying that people don't have sometimes awful experiences with medication, but isn't it worth giving it a try and seeing of it will help you? If it doesn't, you come off it, but it may really help. The other thing that is rather hard, due to the nature of the problem it's treating, is that some SSRI's cause terrible side effects for the first few weeks. If you're an anxiety sufferer the last thing you want as a side effect is increased anxiety and unwanted thoughts! In my experience (MY experience only) if you can in some way get through the first few weeks of side effects, it is so worth the outcome after 4 or 6 months.

Sorry, I'm ranting. I just wish I could help people who are suffering in their own prisons of anxiety.

I wish whoever may read this love and hope and a very Merry Christmas. Here's to a new year and a not giving up hope.


xxxxxxx