CBT

I pretty sure no one reads this blog of mine, but if you've stumbled across it, it's about to get a whole lot more boring! I thought a warning, so you can bounce off now. only fair!

I'm seeing a CBT therapist who said writing things down helps hammer home the message better, so I'm going to start documenting whatever comes into my mind.

Today is Wednesday. I'm not feeling very well, both physically and mentally. The mental bit being caused, in part, by feeling under the weather. I feel like I've been fighting a virus since the weekend. My chest hurts slightly, I feel absolutely zonked and a little dizzy.

I have to go the the post office every day. I'm lucky that the post office I go to is a tiny little village one and most of the time there is no one in there. I know the lady quite well, she is very sweet.

Today I'm really struggling with the anxiety. So much so that I very, very nearly didn't go. My mum is due home (from a trip away) this afternoon. There's a chance she could have made it round to me before the post office closes, and taken my parcels for me. I got my bag together and thought 'just bloody do it'. I then opened the front door and shut it again. I then made it out to the drive, where I stood next to my car for 20 seconds or so, debating whether to go back in the house. I got in the damn car. I started it up and reversed. I drove down the lane (the post office is literally 1.5 miles from my house!). At every turning point I thought about turning round and going back. I didn't. I tried to tell myself that if I had a panic attack, I had a panic attack. The woman at the post office is kind, and I'm sure she would have been nice if that did happen. I got the PO and felt a surge of adrenaline. I somehow went in anyway. All the while my internal dialogue telling me not to panic! I asked her how she was. Turns out, I'm not the only one who has worries (;-)). She looked on the verge of tears, poor love. She has a few family problems and is evidently really worried and down. I wanted to come round and give her a big hug. There wasn't a lot I could do or say. Even in my right mind I'd have struggled, but whilst the whole anxiety conversation is going on in my head, it left little room for other thoughts.

I did it, I felt gross, but I went anyway. And this, is the key.

Not only did I achieve this today, in spite of being ill, I learnt that people are so pre-occupied with their own lives, they really have no idea you are a whirl of emotion and anxiety inside. In fact, even if I had acted 'funny' she probably still wouldn't have noticed.

I also realised that most people are kind. If I saw someone really upset and in a panic, I would ask if they were ok. I would be concerned. so why am I so scared of people seeing me like this? Why do I care so much about what people think of me? And why do I think it would be so bad for someone to see me crying/ in a bit of a state? Where did I get the notion that I must be strong and in control of my emotions at all times? Or else what? What does it mean if I am not?