I went to see the doctor on Saturday. John came with me as I felt unable to go on my own. The waiting room was empty and I saw her within about 10 minutes. Pretty impressive really. She was a little odd in her mannerisms but about 1000 times better than the previous doctor I saw in Clerkenwell. She seems to understand what I'm going through. I wasn't surprised by the prescription. 20mg of Citalopram daily, an urgent appointment with their in house psychologist and further psychotherapy thereafter should I need it. I don't know if it's the answer, but hopefully it will help.
Today I took my first tablet. I have all these feelings of failure that I am on them again. I am scared that I'll never be able to live a normal life free of antidepressants. I am also scared of the side affects, which is stupid considering I was on them before. Coming off and going on are the worse times though. I guess your brain is busy adjusting so it's bound to make you feel strange. But feeling strange for an anxious person is not good! "Oh my god I feel light headed/ sick/ my breathing is funny, there must be something very wrong!"
Tonight I am going to go and see my mum and dad and stay with them for a few weeks until the happy pills start to work properly. I figured it is better not to be on my own during the day, waiting around anxiously until John comes home. My mum and dad have just moved house and are in the middle of nowhere- lots of peace and quiet and long walks with the dog I hope. My mum is a recovering alcoholic, she is not drinking at the moment and is back to her old self, otherwise I would not be going to stay with them! John will drive me up there after he finishes work, bless him, I am such a lucky girl to have him, he is wonderful in every way. Urgh, just as I wrote that I had a pang of guilt- guilty that I am not a normal girlfriend, guilty that I am so needy, guilty that he has to look after me all the time. I need to get better.
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